We have reached the age now where at some point we have lost someone we loved. It could have been a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, or someone who you were very close to. It could have been a best friend, co-worker or even a neighbor. Basically we have all been there. During this lost however profound or minor time, how did you cope? Did feel helpless? Did you ask your God “Why”?
As you know by now if you have read other posts, you know my husband of 29 1/2 years passed away after a short battle with colon cancer. His 2 year anniversary is approaching us in 2 days. The anxiety levels throughout the family are pretty high. We are hit with the anniversary of his passing, his birthday, Father’s Day and the anniversary of my son-in-law’s passing, all in a matter of a week. We have stated that we wish the month of June just didn’t exist. But that won’t happen. Now we are beginning to have a few good reasons to celebrate the coming of June. Our grandbabies. I believe the birth of these babies is God telling us that life is to go on. It does, just as you put one foot in front of the other. Life moves on whether we are ready for it to or not, it is ever evolving.
I am a big believer in Karma or God pointing you in certain directions. Our course in life has already been charted, we are the drivers, sometimes we may make a wrong turn and turn around and find the right road, sometimes it may a little longer to find the right road, but we will get to where we are meant to be. I could be angry that my husband passed away, our retirement plans not going to happen, but through my feelings of sadness, emptiness and the all so famous “What the hell am I going to do now?”, but I was never angry. I read a lot of passages some religious some not. These passages lifted me up with the power from within me. I ended up writing a book call “A Widow’s Memoir” and it was helpful for me to be able to put all the quotes and passages together in a collective book. I felt God was merciful in taking my husband quickly. You see, he was very death a phobic. He was a very proud and dignified man. As cancer took away his ability to control bodily functions, he cried. He didn’t want me to clean him but he also didn’t want the nurses to know “it” happened. He didn’t want to burden any of us. All I wanted was to savor every second i could get because I could see end was getting closer and closer. I know he is at peace now and pain free. It seems unfair we only got 3 months from the diagnosis but knowing it was stage four he could have suffered for the 2 1/2 years. For this I am thankful.
This week I welcomed another granddaughter into this world. She came to us via a scheduled c-section as mommy has some heart issues. I paced, I twitched, I shuffled , I did everything but the Tango waiting to hear that mom and baby were okay. I broke out in a 50 yard dash sprint as my son in law and a nurse surfaced with a bassinet. Baby looked good, pink and crying. I was still awaiting word on my daughter. After almost 2 hours passed she was released from recovery to her room.. But moral is she was okay..baby was okay. A few hours later we are admiring this pretty little pink bundle, taking turns to hold her. My daughter went to her wallet felt something in it and began looking. To her surprise she found a locket she had made with her father’s picture in it. It had been lost for close to a year as it was suppose to go in her bridal bouquet at the wedding. We believed he was there too. The locket was taped to the baby’s bassinet as if he was watching over her. The next morning she sent me a video clip of the rocking chair in her room rocking all by itself. No reasons as to how it was, no fan, no air duct nothing. She was not scared but felt her dad had come to watch over them. She had said you don’t think he really would of missed this. He didn’t.
This year we will not participate in Relay for Life. Not because we don’t want to, as we been there for at least the last 12 years. This year we are instead celebrating life, rebirth, and happiness. My other granddaughter who was was born at just under 33 weeks 5 days after my husband passed away, celebrates her 2nd birthday. This baby was thrust into this world in middle of chaos and grief. This baby who is independent and head strong. This baby who kept pulling out her feeding tube in the NICU, and kept trying to remove her oxygen. This baby who during the drama filled birth, had her own protector, a white butterfly that perched outside the window and stayed there through the hours of a forced induced labor, and intense delivery. That butterfly didn’t leave. We believe my husband was watching over them. I went to window and told the butterfly “see I told you would make it”. My husband feared he wouldn’t get to see his first granddaughter come into the world. He did.
Yesterday I made a quick trip to the post office. I popped a cd in found as we were cleaning the garage. It was a “Alan Jackson” cd. I didn’t think much about it. I have not listened to music really since he died. I feel the words to the songs, and when you feel you hurt, when you hurt you cry. I forgot the song “Remember When” was on that cd. Like a tidal wave the tears came, I almost turned it off but made myself play it thru. I have accomplished many firsts since he died but could never handle music. It was one of “our “songs. The song says so much. As this weeks of ups and downs hits I will just “Remember When”.